me and guys right now (for them that cares) (be warned: rant)
Okay, so, there always seems to be at least one guy with a crush on me. And I’m not bragging - actually I kind of wish it wasn’t true, but it is. And right now I have a pretty good idea about who that is and part of me is kind of excited about that because I’ve gotten into a pattern of being a relationship, being dumped, not being in a relationship for a certain amount of time, then being in a relationship again when the guy asked me out. I’ve been really passive about it. And that’s exactly the problem.
I know you guys aren’t going to like this (SO KEEP READING) but I don’t think I ever got over my relationship with Zach. And I don’t mean I want to date HIM again (I think - honestly I don’t know. Do I really have to?), I just really really miss being in that KIND of relationship. I mean, I really really loved him. And he really really loved me. And that kind of gooey romantic stuff - even though he kind of sucked at it and it made me really miserable - I loved it when it was good.
And then he broke up with me. And you know how when something big happens it takes a while for it to sink in? Like “Oh my gosh, My dad is remarried.” Or, “Oh my gosh I’m soandso’s boyfriend.” Well, I mean, it sunk in enough to make me know it logically but I was never miserable about it. I never had the crying my eyes out and watching chick flicks urge. Even when I broke up with Nick I cried - and honestly, he was a rebound.
But I miss that kind of relationship. I love the gooey romantic stuff, I love pouring my heart out and telling people how much I love them, I love the roses and going out for dinners and all those cheesy proposal stories. But I can’t have that in a relationship that I’m not invested in.
And Nick was definitely a rebound. I never really realized it, but he definitely was. I mean, in what other kind of relationship do you tell someone ON THE FIRST DATE that you practically begged your last boyfriend to take you back? (yeah, that was awkward)
And then HE dumped me and I just waited around for the next guy. But honestly, Nick was a sweetheart. He was a really really great guy and he’s going to make someone really really happy. (It might be a guy though, he might be gay)
Anyway, then there was Cooper and oh my god we were perfect but I think I was still hung up about Zach. And I just couldn’t let it go. I mean yes, I LIKED him, and I said I loved him, and I did gooey romantic stuff with him, and he loved me so much. And I tried so so hard to love him back. But I just couldn’t. (aka: the only guy I’ve broken up with, which is a damned shame)
And now, I just don’t know. I think I might just be one of those people who needs more time to heal or something. I finally had a real crush on a guy after Cooper - the kind you don’t expect once you’re out of middle school and then he goes and starts dating someone who’s perfect for him.
But see, now I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can get over guys unless I have a real reason to hate them. (aka: Ethan) So there’s Zach, who’s actually in a relationship and I don’t want to date anyway but I have kind of confusing feelings about that I really don’t want and I think I really might just need some closure. Then there’s the guy I had a crush on who just got OUT of said relationship and I think I might still have a crush on him, but I don’t know, and I don’t think there’s anyway he’d ever notice or be interested anyway. And then there’s the guy who has a crush on me maybe and I think there’s a possibility that I’d like him back but that’s what I thought with Nick and Cooper and yeah I did but they got screwed up anyway and here’s the major problem with all three anyway:
I don’t think I can be in a relationship right now. As much as I kind of want to be maybe (how’s that for a decision). I need to be not thinking about Zach, or comparing guys to Zach, or wondering why I can’t feel about them the way I felt about Zach. I think that before I can date ANYONE I really just need to get some closure on my relationship with Zach. And I don’t know how to do that - chick flicks and ice cream and crying? I don’t know. But it hasn’t happened. It never really ended for me. I mean yes, logically it did, but I think for my heart it didn’t (god that was cheesy).
I just…I just don’t know what to do. But I do know that I can not be in a relationship right now. So…yeah.e
